I need to do something to help myself out of the depression I'm in. I don't want to go to the doc, I can't face the explaining. Explaining something I feel guilty about, something that sounds pretty feeble, and something I know I can help by my own actions. Actions the GP will only ask me to do anyway, so I may as well start. It's stopping the downward spiral, putting the brakes on; slowing down the descent. Slowing it, then stopping it, then reversing and building up again. I have no energy, no interest, no spark of light or life. And feel so damn useless and pathetic about wasting my life.. Life is a gift, and I waste hours, days, weeks; just existing. Avoiding, avoiding, running away.
I heard an alcoholic in remission talking on the radio the other day about the 'escape', running away from the place you are in and the relationships you have. He talked of it being part of the addict's identifying traits. I think I have it to, I'm not an addict, but the response to run, hide is strong. Now I am older I control the urge, I do have a strong enough 'sensible' bit of my brain to realise that running away won't work. I also have a pretty big materialistic bit of me that would avoid putting me in a less well-off situations, regardless of what it costs me emotionally. And I know, that I will still be me wherever I am and with whoever I am with. That won't change. Not that I'm rich you understand but okay financially, compared to a lot of pensioners.
So, I am going to write this blog for me, it is private, it won't be listed or searchable.
I need to do one thing today, one thing that challenges depressive mode.
I had a 'new home' card from an old work colleague in the week, I need to ring her. I don't want to ring, it isn't that I don't like her, I am just nervous about ringing. I don't know what the feeling is, well, not true, I know the feeling is fear, but I don't understand why fear? What do I fear?
Yes. I have fear. But where does it come from, what am I fearful of?????
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